It is easier to talk.
It is more comfortable to write a blog about seasons so I can relate my current experience training a puppy to a season of focus. It is more comfortable to re-open my excel spreadsheet to predict how long puppy nap time will last, & plan in work accordingly. Likewise, it was more comfortable two years ago to hire a coach to explore my “post-graduation career” instead of mourn the loss of a life-changing, beautiful relationship.
I talk all day, so of course it feels more comfortable to analyze or “legitimize” my current experience with words rather than sit with my experience. Through my own actions, however - as well as compassionate observation with my coaching clients - I learn & re-learn the power of tuning into emotion.
So today, as I struggled to piece together an alternative blog on seasons, I curiously observed my “comfortable’ patterns: I wrestled with the struggle, blamed my fumbling words on lack of sleep, adopted critical, deprecating self talk, & did my best to explain my current experience to extinction. I curiously observed these patters - just long enough to find space & shift.
Which leads us to the words you currently read: the underbelly of my experience; the actuality of my experience; the emotions & sensations & truth - which I fully trust will lead to the lesson I originally reached for (seasons?).
Currently: tears well in the back of my eyes. I question if my new, raw writing will make any sense as a blog post. It feels like a strong arm is pressing against the breadth of my chest, prompting heavy pressure directly under my collar bones. The rest of my body tingles, as if my tearful eyes & heavy chest are of a different body entirely. My vision takes in a lot of blank - the solid green of my coffee mug, the white wall in front of me, the monotone kitchen table whereon my laptop rests.
I pause my sensing to plug in my laptop, & take a moment to pet baby Aatto. He didn’t take a treat, but rather soaked up a loving belly-rub. His eyes slowly closed, as he dozed back to sleep.
As a bystander 30 minutes ago, I predicted the energy behind my tearful eyes was stress. As I look at Aatto’s sweet tan nose, however, & still feel my tears - I consider they’re rooted elsewhere.
Here’s the beauty & power of emotions: this is where this blog post ends. There is no need to fully understand, explain, or analyze my tears - that isn’t the point of this moment. The “point” is simply to experience. The point is that I noticed my avoidance of emotion, & chose to dive in. The point is that in this moment - or one days or months from now - this experience will make sense. I trust whatever lesson or meaning or significance was “meant” to come from this moment has already been adopted, beyond what I might articulate through historic analysis. I already experience the benefits of compassionately sitting with what is, rather than explaining it - as I am more focused, alive, & aware. Thus, I am more at ease. Furthermore, I feel fantastic about sharing my experience with you so vulnerably - & trust whatever token you take from my words is perfect.
Next time you notice yourself avoiding experience - stay curious. What would happen if you paused the explanation? What is here?
