I tilted my head forward, rested my helmet on the rock, and held my body tightly on the wall. I took a deep breath and invited my shoulders to relax, hoping my fears may release with them. I am not in imminent danger, my rope is secure, I trust my partner, I am physically capable...
“I don’t know, Ty…” I looked up at the sloping course & my next bolt feet above, then looked back down to my belayer. “I know I can… but I’m scared.” What if I fall?
There is a point of no return when lead climbing; a few steps above my last clip, and it is in fact safer to continue climbing than to return to where I felt absolutely confident below. Though more sensible, a few steps up also means more distance to fall - uncharted territory & uncertain movement.
Ironically, the climber is actually safer as she or he gets higher off the ground; the rope has more opportunity to stretch, the fall is softer, & the climber is less likely to deck after a misstep.
Yet, although I know these facts, the risk feels greater as my view becomes more magnificent.
I lifted my head from the rock & asked Tyler to lower me. I had only worked my way up a quarter of the easy wall.
Throughout the week, I mistakenly referred to this route as a more difficult grade than it was in reality - projecting the intense fear I felt as I held myself against the rock and attempted to calm my nerves. Throughout the week, I also welcomed evolution.
The day after I bailed, Ty and I celebrated my completion of a different climb. I had the opportunity to practice this route in detail - so although it was more difficult, courage & excitement surpassed my fear. I went on to successfully scale the tallest route of our week on day three because I worked through, rather than integrated, the same doubt I had encountered on the easy wall two days prior.
As I reflect on our climbing trip, I connect the dots between my physical experiences on the wall and my current experience in life & business:
As with lead climbing, I choose to believe there is a point of no return in my business pursuits. My standard full time career has already been left and my last “safety checkpoint” (i.e., financial security) continues to hold me - though not as assumedly as months ago. Furthermore, I look up to my path ahead with a mix of confidence & tremor - I know I am capable… but what if I fall?
Ironically (or not), I continue to strive toward my full potential in full trust that it is in fact safer than where I stood years ago - a place closer to the ground, but further from my dreams. & although I may fall high from my foundation, the catch will feel softer as my view along the way radiates choice, growthful challenge, & increasing beauty.
Today, I organize my finances after the week-long trip. I metaphorically place my head against a tall rock wall & take a deep breath - my historic fears of financial scarcity threatening to drive.
I consider my patterns, just as I did when I sensed fear during my tallest climb last week. With greater awareness of the familiar & comfortable, I can choose my status quo or reroute with intention.
I reflect on the walls I abandoned from fear - the opportunity to begin my business years before I did, hesitation to pursue a hobby because “I can’t afford it,” or when I backed down from the opportunity to connect with my ideal clientele because fear & doubt felt overwhelming.
I also reflect on my victories already accomplished. Like looking back at each bolt, I see a job quit, beliefs challenged, & an authentic business created out of thin air by my own two hands. I remind myself that although each step was scary, they were each pursued with drive & trust - ultimately “clipped” with success to ensure safety & forward momentum.
I remind myself that sometimes, I can lean into my support systems and request an “out.” Sometimes, I need a breath on the ground - to regroup or restart. & sometimes, this, too, is success.
But today, when I take my head off the wall to look at route in front of me, I sense certain prosperity. Certain, because I am willing to try, because it feels exciting & challenging, and because I know I am capable.
Let this metaphor be a reminder that vacations are not steps backward or time wasted; this trip provided a new perspective of the exact pursuits I work toward in my office every other day at home.
May I embrace triumph when it follows my persistence to show up. May I celebrate not only the success at hand, but the work & failures that came before - for previous, abandoned “walls” provide wisdom as I pursue what is greater.
And whatever your climb - whatever your metaphor or current experience, I encourage you to invite it in. Adopt its fullness so you may learn from it, enjoy it, & experience it with open eyes.
