Video Length: 18 minutes & 19 seconds
Transcription below, edited slightly for clarity
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Good morning. Good morning. Welcome to another Weekly Spark with Yes&. My name is Marin Laukka & today we are talking about a personal development model, a self-acceptance model that embraces this contradiction that exists in the personal development field.
& what that is, is something that you've probably heard before, which is an encouragement to embrace that you are perfect & whole, just the way you are. Which is true, you are perfect & whole just the way you are. & simultaneously in the personal development field, there is a continuous flow of information sent our way to grow & do the next challenge, & to reach another milestone, to do another goal, you're not good enough, until that undercurrent voice that's in this field as well, right?
Personal development is based on this model of continuously developing into more - which is a beautiful attribute, a beautiful thing to consider, & how the heck does that simultaneously exist with that advice & mantra & belief that you are also perfect just as you are.
So today I'm sharing a five step self-acceptance process that you can take yourself through that embraces your perfection, while embracing this belief & desire to grow into more, just like Elyse (who is a VIP experience member inside my group coaching program). She shares about the activities that I host in that program & says,
“These activities each week are the perfect amount of time investment to keep things top of mind, without feeling overwhelmed.”
& this is just one example of how in my membership program or with my one on one clients or with these Weekly Sparks I am inspiring hopefully this model of sustainable growth, which means that we are keeping things top of mind, we are growing, we are pursuing greatness, while also embracing our present moment & embracing where we're starting from & are already perfection. So, let's dive right in.
What are these five steps, what am I about to share, & by the way this is all based in positive psychology. I completed my master's program in positive psychology, I did a whole presentation, taking this concept of pernot, (I also have my own yoga certification & life coach certification for NACA) is this idea in yoga, which is essentially what I'm talking about today, I am perfectly whole just as I am, & I am continuously growing into more embracing our perfection. & part of that perfection is that continuous growth.
So, that's where it merges together & then positive psychology, bringing this research side into the mix. I dove into a lot of the research studies on how to attain goals in the best way, which, surprise - is actually to adopt a mindset of self-compassion, we'll get there today. & also, a bunch of other things to try to understand how does this yoga philosophy, also is it backed up by the research & so that's where this is all coming from. So here are the five steps & then we'll dive right in to each of them.
The first is to check out our beliefs so to adopt that belief to consider that belief, to try it on or being the experiment that all life is inherently worthy & valuable…
Then it is to take that a step further & to say I am inherently worthy & valuable.
From there, knowing that we bring in this important piece of vital piece of the puzzle which is to say, I know what is best for me.
The fourth, I have the efficacy to do what is best for me. I am able to do what is best for me
& finally, I act in accordance with what is best for me.
So those are the five steps & I'll break them down into much simpler terms, again, this is taken from my master's poster, & so it is all based in a lot of the positive psychology literature & therefore language so we'll change that up today as we dive in.
The first one, let's talk about this “all life is inherently worthy & valuable.” Now, we could go into the philosophy side of this which I would fully embrace if you want to comment below or start your own conversation or get thinking about the philosophical side of this. What I am sharing today as this first step is simply the act of trying on a new belief. So, giving yourself the space to ask yourself “do I believe all life is inherently worthy & valuable?”
Right, all life from, all humans, all races, all backgrounds, all cultures, but also like all the trees & all nature & everything, everything that encompasses life. & what I do inside the experience, this group coaching program & with my one on one clients, is that I offer you to try this on in an experiment. & so, to simply act as if this were true, or just to ask yourself what if this were true, & then start to gather what I call an evidence log which I actually learned from one of my business coaches a while ago - Kim Argetsinger, which she's amazing.
This evidence log is just to gather information that you haven't gathered in the past, right, so if there's any part of you that is a little bit hesitant or unsure or just hasn't had this belief top of mind before, start gathering evidence, as if this were true, right?
Again, just to put yourself in the experiment, & that's why I'm phrasing it as if this were true, because it gives any part of us that is doubtful of a new belief, be it this one or any other belief. It gives us space to allow ourselves to explore a new area without having to fully dive in & adopt it & therefore the parts of us that don't believe in it or don't fully align with it are probably going to fight against it & then no more, no movement, no momentum is going to happen.
So, the first one, just to try this experiment, gather some data, all life is inherently worthy & valuable & then once you've gathered some data there, once you've opened your eyes or tried this on or felt it out in your body & maybe this step is pretty quick for you & you're like, “Yes, hell yes, that is true” then go on to the second step which is taking this a step further, I am inherently worthy & valuable.
I am inherently worthy & valuable, a really great exercise, I love to try this on. I learned from one of my life coach mentors, Coby Kozlowski, it is to look in a mirror, or to look at a childhood photo of you & say “You are inherently worthy & valuable, you are.”
Sometimes it's easier to start with a childhood photo of ourselves because we tend to be very compassionate & forgiving to children, even us as children. & so, it's to start there, inside the experience I often tell my members & my clients, start with a light weight. Start with where feels at least a little bit more natural to adopt something new so that there isn't so much tension & isn't so much resistance to this process.
So, either a childhood photo or looking in the mirror & this one is challenging & a very cool experience. I have done this a few times so look in the mirror potentially for as long as it takes until you at least believe it a little bit. So, look yourself in the eyes & say “you are inherently worthy & valuable.” & if any of those gremlins, if any of those fears, if any of those limiting beliefs or resistance comes up, just let them come up & say, “Okay, try it again. Begin again. Begin again. Begin again.”
It doesn't have to be a once & done & then you change your whole belief system, but start with something that feels attainable right the lightweights start with something that you feel like you have a little bit of a way in, & then build it from there.
Okay, on to step three. So once this belief system is in place, that becomes your foundation. & then we start asking ourselves & determining what is best for you. So, to know what is best for you is a vital step in doing the next steps which is to follow through & do what is best for you. & furthermore, if we don't know what is best for us. We can do all the personal development stuff that is thrown our way & never feel like we make progress because we're just doing the cookie cutter.
We're just doing what someone else said or what worked for someone else without us tuning into ourselves, our own beliefs, our own desires, our own preferences, our own personalities & ways of being that has to be a part of the equation, that has to be a part of the conversation, otherwise you're just adopting something blindly & sometimes on the rare occasion that does work - sometimes we follow this prescriptive path, & it does work for us & it is really great & it clicked because we had the similarity of that person who gave us this prescription or for whatever reason just it fell into our lap, it worked.
However, oftentimes what I see, especially with my clients who come to me, their life is “perfect” right, this idea of perfection is “perfect” by the standards of society or by the standards of their advisors or by the standards of their parents or their community or the societal norm. However, there hasn't been this third part of the equation, which is to say “What is best for me though?” For me, is it to pursue this PhD track? If you know my story that answer was no. Is it to go down the traditional route? Is it to follow in my parents footsteps? Maybe the answer is yes or maybe the answer is no, & that can feel really scary again, then go back to those first two steps of I am inherently worthy & valuable right, even if I'm going against the opinions of my advisors, even if this feels really scary. Even if I'm not sure quite how to do this.
So, circle back if those fears come up there. But once you know what is best for you, once you have that insight, & I'll give one tangible tool that you will not be surprised by a tangible tool to know what is best for you is to work with a coach, & that can look like so many different ways - it can be buying a book. My book is coming out later this year! It can be a membership program like the one I have, it can be one on one coaching like for my clients, but also if I don't resonate with you, then please find someone who does.
Buy their book, do their course work one on one with them. The thing that I think is just important to keep your eyes open for one is to make sure that you jive with this person, & agree with the lifestyle that they're living. & then also, it's to ensure that there is a part of whatever you pursue, to figure out what is best for you. That helps you hear your own voice & sometimes that's missing, or sometimes that's just not part of what that program is specifically designed to do. So, for this step, specifically, to find your perfection, to find your growth, to personal development & self-acceptance that really aligns with you. It's to ensure that you are hiring someone or working in a program that personalizes it & brings your own wisdom out.
Alright, moving on to step four is I have the efficacy to act in accordance, I add this one in because this year especially has really opened my eyes, I worked with Trudi Lebrón, who is doing excellent workshops & she has a membership program now about specifically white coaches, but looking at the big blind spots & the big privilege that shows up in the coaching industry specifically, & I added that (while this was years ago) but I want to emphasize this one, especially because what's been top of mind for me & I by no means have the answer.
I am still doing all of my work before ever claiming to teach about this, but it is at least the awareness & the admittance & the acknowledgement that we must also have the efficacy, which not only means our own efficacy, right, so sometimes my clients are working with a therapist or work with a therapist before me to do the past healing & to do the work, to be in a good spot mentally, right, to be healthy holistically before looking at what's next, & you can for sure do that simultaneously.
But to ensure that we are starting from this healthy place so that we have the internal efficacy to follow through & do what we want to do, but also the external efficacy - & when I say that, what I'm thinking of is a system that supports all individuals as if they are all worthy of hope because all of them are, right, & the ability to pursue what is best for us.
If there are any barriers or, you know, systematic barriers that are in place that prevent someone or a group of people from doing what is best for them, then that doesn't fall on your shoulders, that falls on all of our shoulders as a world, but especially those in privilege, like myself. I lump myself into that category. It's to ensure that we have this top of mind, that the efficacy is important - not only for us but to check in, for instance, if we are also a leader or me leaving my clients to say “Is there something that is preventing this person or might prevent this person or this group of people from doing this work & how can I therefore act?” Maybe on a societal or political or whatever level it is to help every single person have the efficacy, every single person to have the great foundation to start with, & to be able to pursue.
Step five, which I'm going into next. So, this line is I have the efficacy, which is that internal efficacy, make sure we are healed, work with the therapist again, work with a coach, maybe, if there's that clarity or that jumble that's going on. Maybe you know what's best for you but just haven't been acting, you don't know how to do anything with what is best for you. Maybe you don't know what is best for you & getting caught on that point, so great creating the support there, & then also the foundation society systematically that we ensure that all individuals because all individuals are worthy & valuable, have the efficacy the capability to pursue whatever is best for them.
Fifth, I act in accordance with what is best for me, this is a really important part of the puzzle that sometimes we forget. I've been talking lately if you're on my email list or you've been following online about the two types of individuals that I find that enter my doors, & especially at the membership program that I host, which is the individual - who's a personal development junkie. & the individual who is the checkbox action.
I have yet to determine the name for that second group, but these two groups, there's one group that's so good at taking in all the information, taking in all the data, learning all the courses. Hiring support & doing all the things, reading all the books. & when I say doing all the things I mean like doing all the personal development courses, right, then this second group of individuals is excellent at taking action - you check the boxes, you follow the rules, if you're given a prescription - you do the prescription.
However, although both sides have strengths, absolutely, there's a shadow side to each of these groups & what's so fascinating is that the shadow side is the other person's strength. So, the shadow side to the individuals (& I would put myself into that second group of individuals) who check all the boxes & do all the action & just implement, implement, implement, is that there often isn't that space.
Step three of this model, which is to ask ourselves what is best for us, the shadow side of that first group of individuals, the intention group is that the action doesn't happen so they take in all the information, but then when it comes to putting pen to paper or when it comes to starting the business, when it comes to following through with the checklist that they've outlined - that doesn't happen.
& so, inside my membership program with my clients & with this model, there's a balance between “How do I ensure that I have the intention, that I have the awareness, I have the knowledge, I have the ability & I have the action?” How do I ensure I am able, & end up taking action on what I know is best for me & then, circling through this process as many times as possible?
So I called this model, five steps to self-acceptance & I also refer to this as how to embrace the perfection that we are either pursuing or we've heard about. We're perfect & whole just as we are & simultaneously knowing that we are always growing & we like personal development & that is the whole goal of personal development is to continuously grow.
The sustainable growth model is the word I throw around a lot, or a phrase. & so, this model whatever you refer to it as, it's the combination of I am perfect just as I am, you are perfect just as you are, you have the tools, or you can gather the tools & you are always growing into more, you are always taking action, you are always circling through this process.
To me, this is perfection. Right? Perfection is the process itself of building the awareness, of gathering the tools, of showing up time after time & taking action, & then revisiting all of it, & circling through time & time again & this creates this model of ease because we know that we're always in the process, we're always in the process of learning more, taking action & revisiting & we allow ourselves the space to accept ourselves in this process, because it is a process. How many times can I say process? But we can accept ourselves because it is not a destination. It is not something has to be done before, but it is an awareness of “Okay, I am great as I am & I'm growing.”
I think you get the point by this by now. Something I did mention at the beginning, & this is the research base that I dove into a lot in grad school is self-compassion & just an overarching theme here is to be compassionate with yourself along this whole journey & self-compassion as defined by the literature, which you can take or leave, whatever you want, but by Kristin Neff is: common humanity. So remind ourselves, go back to step one, all individuals are worthy & valuable. Likewise all individuals are struggling, all individuals have limiting beliefs, all individuals are human, right, so have very similar experiences to you.
The second is kindness, so that's what we think of when we think of self-compassion I'm kind to myself, & then non-attachment or non-judgement, which is to ensure that we are being kind, but specifically not attaching ourselves to what is happening & the outcomes & that's why I emphasize, emphasize, emphasize the process of this model.
All right, those are the five steps, & this is what I encourage everyone to adopt or at least consider try on as we're pursuing these big 2021 goals. I'm hearing a lot of big 2021 goals, which is beautiful & amazing & I highly encourage you to pursue them with all your mind, & you have nothing to make up for, 2020 was what it was. You have nothing to make up for - this is a continuous process, the end of everything isn't the end of 2021, you will have more years, you will have more months & hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood, I hope for everyone's health & safety.
You are perfect as you are you are growing into more. I lost my train of thought, there's two sides here. 2020 was what it was & 2021 will be what it will be. It doesn't mean that we have to make up for anything because this is a process.
All of this learning, all of this knowledge, & then the application of this knowledge & the accountability to apply this knowledge, plus, this idea of this balance that I introduced today between intention: being really intentional & self-reflective & taking action. This happens inside my membership community & there's a really exciting announcement coming for my membership community. I'm going to hold off on what that is but if you want to be one of the first to know head yesandbymarin.com/blog.
I want to share Annie (who's a full experience member) she shared “the exercises are amazing & really aligned with what I know to be effective so every moment I spend on them feels really worthwhile.”
Embrace this model, let me know what you think about this five step self-acceptance model and how to be perfect, which might sound silly on the surface, but that is really, I see this as perfection of allowing ourselves to be humble & to be in this process forever. Balancing, we are perfect in full, & we are continuously growing into more.
Alright, that is all for this week's Weekly Spark. Have a wonderful week ahead!
