{96} From Anxiety & Scarcity to Excitement & Possibility | A Yes& Client Transformation
Video Length: 35 minutes & 35 seconds
Transcription below, edited slightly for clarity
Marin:
If you could transport yourself back in time to before ever coaching (so a year ago), give me an idea of what life was like.
Elyse:
I've always been interested in self-improvement & growth, but I found I was continually hitting a wall with what to do with that knowledge in order to make lasting change. While I was better understanding where my patterns & tendencies might come from, I really was not having any luck with challenging or changing them.
So, one of the biggest ones for me, before we started working together, was around self-trust & self-confidence. It wasn't that I didn't know what I wanted, or who I was at my core. But, really that I was afraid to trust that, & also afraid of what might happen if I didn't trust that, because you know, that started to feel really big, with possibility. & even sometimes that can feel scary. So, I was kind of struggling from both sides there. & it was really showing up everywhere in my life, from my career to my relationships, & what I think, most importantly, in my own head, & the way I was talking to myself.
So, it was fostering this lifestyle built on anxiety & a scarcity mindset. But, frankly, just the lack of movement was leading to frustration & guilt. & so even when things were going really well, from the outside, inside everything felt really hollow.
Marin:
You mentioned that, for what seems like for a large portion of your life, were involved or were intrigued about self-development & personal development. So, explain a little bit more of what wasn't being addressed by the self-development work that you were doing, that still led to that feeling of feeling hollow?
Elyse:
I'm so grateful that I did have that work before we started working together, because I think it gave me a really strong foundation & I could come in saying, ‘okay, I know this was my tendency,’ we didn't have to spend time figuring out that part.
But you know, whether it was primarily therapy, or just some other stuff on my own (because I like to learn about this stuff), it really was more about what has happened in the past & kind of unpacking how I got here & what hurts or past experiences. But while it helped explain why I was like that again, there wasn't anything tangible. I could take away something each week what I'm going to work on to start challenging it & changing it. It was mostly I was caught in the catch it part of the cycle, so I could keep catching it but then that's where the frustration was, because that's where I kept hitting my head against the wall saying, ‘I know this is my tendency,’ but how do I stop living a life where this is limiting me because I know that it can be different.
Marin:
Yeah, that's sounds so frustrating - having the understanding & not having the practical implication of, what do I then do with that? There were moments where you're like ‘I remember this part,’ but nowhere to go forward from there.
So then when you were looking into how to shift from that place that was feeling like anxiety, & hollow, & just not where you want it to be, what made coaching stand out as opposed to therapy, as opposed to other avenues that could have added on top of that foundation of personal development that you already have?
Elyse:
I actually didn't know much about coaching before you & I started talking, but what I was really grateful for is that I was able to come to you & say, ‘Hey, here's what my experience has been.’ & then you help me understand the alignment or the nice bridge between how therapy is different & how coaching is different.
And so, because I had done a lot of therapy, & again, that's more of the understanding phase, but coaching can be more of the action phase - all of a sudden, everything within me was like, ‘Yes, this is it. This is what I've been missing - a partner to walk with me & challenge me & motivate me to make some decisions & make some changes & hold me accountable for that.’
But also, you know, someone who approaches it with an understanding of where I've come from, on the rest of my journey, that I'm not starting just from scratch with a coach.
Marin:
I think that you gave a really brief, beautiful differentiation between therapy & coaching.
You said, “Therapy is that understanding piece & coaching is the action piece.”
I hadn't heard it explained that way but it so resonates with what the difference is. & of course, I'm walking with you. & we talked about how sessions, & even this, is really about you & your journey. & that's my role as your coach is to support you & shine the light on you the whole time. & I love that little bit just about of course, I've also been through this alignment process, & through similar challenges. & I really think that's actually a strength for me as a coach to be able to enter these conversations & these explorations from a place of true deep empathy, because I get it! I get how scary it can be & how frustrating & how amazing it can be - the whole ride. I'm human too, & we've all been there.
Elyse:
Well, & honestly, I think that's what you know, drew me to you as a coach specifically, because honestly, it was just a feel-good vibe, from the moment I met you. & I felt like even within our introductory session, I felt so seen & understood in such a short amount of time. But then I could also tell you weren't going to be the type of person who just like handed out gold stars.
And on top of that, you recognized right away that I am like a person who craves gold stars & right answers. So, I felt really good in that first month, especially. I was pushing past the surface level & past excuses & past stuck ways of thinking & you were offering very tangible ways to start practicing change, which, again, wI was like, ‘No, I don't we need more time? I'm like, I don't think I'm quite ready to you know, start practicing.’ So that was great. Your approach there was great.
Marin:
That's so good to hear. & I agree that from the very first time we met, it was like, this is meant to be! This is something, we really need to connect here. So, it's all sounding beautiful & when you were introduced to this idea & you've got clarity on what coaching was, & you said yes, this is it. For both contracts that we've signed so far, has there ever been an obstacle or a hesitation that made you doubt or just take a pause before entering into a coaching relationship?
Elyse:
Yeah no, there really hasn't been. I think in some ways for me the obstacle is fear. & it's very irrational & oftentimes I can't even pinpoint what the fear is. Outside of changes, sometimes fear & sometimes it's that you know it could be better, it's still different. & that's scary. Or if you're somebody who has been living with this feeling for a really long time, there's some fear around ‘Well, what will I do? Or what will I think about if this isn't my challenge anymore’ & almost afraid of that downtime, even though that's what you want more than anything in the world. & so, every time, it’s kind of caught me a little bit, but I've been able to push through it. & I'm so glad because of the work that has come out of it.
Marin:
And I think that's an answer so many people need to hear, because so many of us, myself included - I just rehired my own coach yesterday - & I also experienced the same thing of like, ‘Oh, God, like, like, this is gonna be changed. & this is uncomfortable.’
And you & I, & of course, I know your journey, & so speaking to, if I actually resolved this, or if I actually worked through this part of who I've identified as for so long, what would there be? & even if it's the most beautiful version, the most beautiful life, the most beautiful success story - you're right, it still is different. & it's still not who we always have been, & who we're familiar & comfortable as being, simply because that's who we've been before.
I think that's such a, that's such a valuable insight to bring up & to normalize - we all face that fear to some level. & books have been written about this, I'm thinking of the Big Leap, where whenever we uplevel our life, there's this discomfort, simply not because it's worse, not because it's bad. In fact, it's likely better objectively, but it's different. & so that's going to be uncomfortable. So, I'm really glad that you brought that up.
So, once we got into coaching, then how would you describe coaching with Yes&?
Elyse:
When we started working together so much of what I was trying to sort through was pretty intangible right? Where there are these feelings of feeling disconnected, lots of anxiety & scarcity, a lack of contentment. But that's really hard to pinpoint because it's just feelings, you know, it's, it's not something I can say, ‘I want this to be different.’
So even though it was definitely part of the process, sometimes I look back, & I can't believe that we sorted it out, & true change started manifesting from this, & then I can now see physical evidence in my life, from this mentality shift, which is huge.
One of those things is this true feeling of really coming home to myself & feeling rooted in who I am & the life I'm intentionally building & being able to maintain healthy boundaries across all areas of my life, which was not happening before, really at all.
And, for the first time, feeling really good about taking up space & sharing myself with the world. & you know, even when we first started working together, I couldn't lie - it was uncomfortable for me to even pretend to take up physical space just with you, let alone to go do it out in the world.
And I would say I'm really now focused on the intentionality of my approach to life rather than the outcome of the situations. & I feel like contentedness has just completely bloomed because of that work.
Marin:
Those are beautiful, beautiful outcomes. & what I was picturing is that one particular session when we had the metaphor of you on an airplane, & strolling up to first class - but I love it. & I love that image of like, & not only like walking up to first class & taking up that space, & that class & that level of being of the brilliant individual that you are, but also like lounging in the first-class chair & like, stretching out your legs.
And, & being like part of that too, is just knowing, even how long my legs are, & it's just a fact that like - my legs need more space to stretch out in front of me, & that's just a fact! That's just factual. There’s so much like story & stuff that muddies everything, & how beautiful to hear that at least some of that stretching & some of that taking up space is really being incorporated & being felt - because you deserve it. You so deserve that first-class ticket, metaphorically across all areas of your life.
Elyse:
Yeah, as long as I would say even when I find myself back in a metaphorical situation, the willingness to stay there is so much less. You know, I think before I'd be like, ‘Okay, I'm gonna, like, turn on my side, & I'm gonna bring my knee up to my chest, & I'm gonna do everything I can to get comfortable in this coach seat. Where I might have done that for the whole flight, now after 10 minutes, I'm like, I can't, I cannot do this. & so that has been really good.
That no matter what situation that has come up since then in life, this idea of ‘that can look the same no matter what the situation is.’ That's just feel so powerful.
Marin:
I love these conversations, because it's just like, all the good feelings! Well, it's just celebrating how much we've gone through, which is just amazing.
Elyse:
Another thing that I have learned from working together is that I am so capable of having hard conversations & feeling difficult emotions. & for a long time, I avoided feelings, because negative feelings were linked, at least in my brain, to believing that I was doing something wrong, or that it was something that I needed to fix, & you help me drop that & really, truly start believing that feelings are just part of the human experience, no matter how much I wish they weren't. & not only that, but something of value can come out of just sitting with those feelings. So, I've been able to play a lot with this idea of moving from trying to completely eliminate discomfort or conflict, to working within the right kind of conflict or discomfort, because I'm never going to be able to remove it completely.
And then from those moments of sitting & listening, not running away from discomfort at all costs, I've really been able to be much less reactive & much more intentional - from designing a new role at work, which you helped me a ton with, even just how I want to approach family relationships & dating relationships & life in general.
Marin:
When you think of, so this first it was this mindset shift of what “negative emotions” were, what the full breadth of emotions were, and, & this starting to see, ‘oh, maybe this is just all part of it, maybe this is here regardless,’ & then it's feeling almost empowered in those situations of, maybe it doesn't necessarily feel empowering, or, it can be uncomfortable at times, but having that mindset of, ‘I choose to sit with this uncomfortable situation,’ as opposed to some other uncomfortable situation. & you mentioned that that carried over in your career life, your relationship life, & your own intimate life. & then if you take it one step further, how do you think it has impacted being able to sit with all of life's experiences? In all of those areas of your life? Does an answer come to mind?
Elyse:
You know, it just, it makes everything so much more beautiful & felt deeply, I guess, because it's like life just keeps on giving experience after experience. & if I'm not trying to take all my energy & doling out for myself, is this bad? Or is this good? Or am I okay? Or not? Then I can't even believe the creativity that comes to mind or the thoughts that come to mind or just the reactions I have to these experiences are not what I would have had even a year ago, because I couldn't just let them be as they were, I was so focused on ‘am I okay, or am I not okay, because of how I'm experiencing this.’
And I think what's also cool is I've just, I've learned so much about myself as far as what I like or don't like, & that's not a terrible thing. It's just another piece about me in the same way that my hair is brown, & my eyes are blue - & it's just part of what makes me who I am.
So, it's been really cool. It's been really freeing, I would say.
Marin:
It’s beautiful to have to be able to experience the full depth of life without having to first go through this like checkpoint of like, ‘is this good? Is this not? Is the safe? Is this not? Can I keep going? Is this something different?’
And then what you said, of just being able to learn more about yourself because you're at this deeper layer. That's beautiful. Was there a third outcome that you had as well?
Elyse:
Yes. So there's just this genuine excitement I would say for the future, especially as I think about the next steps in my career with my own business. & I know we've kind of just barely scratched the surface on that so far, but I think the biggest thing for me is the idea of that feeling big with possibility is no longer scary. It doesn't feel paralyzing. It feels really energizing. & I think the big reason for that is because I know it's now coming from a place of intentionality. & all the skills that I've learned with working with you are just going to accompany me on that next journey. So, it's not like everything we talked about only applies to the specific situations, you know, we talked about in sessions that carries through throughout.
Marin:
I'm so excited for you. I can't wait. I'm so excited. So, what comes to mind for me & thinking of who might be listening to this, is if someone understandably comes to coaching, & they say, “I want to start my own business,” if there's something really specific that they want to be accomplished through coaching, I try my best to hold that & to be excited about that, & to remind everyone involved, that it's a journey that's so unexpected, & takes us through these pathways that are, I believe, needed to get to that ultimate goal, & the pathway might not look exactly like we think it will, or happen as quickly or in the time that we plan it to - speaking from direct experience with that one.
And so what would you say, through everything that we've worked on so far, has helped you get to this point of building your business, whatever is happening next, from a place of intentionality, & this strong foundation?
So what would you say to someone who's potentially coming into coaching with this really clear idea, say they want to start their business now, & that's their ultimate goal, about the process getting to that point?
Elyse:
Also a very good question. But I'm not surprised you have good questions, because you always have good questions!
I think what's interesting is, when we started working together, I had brought up starting a business kind of right at the front, & then it quickly got kind of sidetracked - or not even sidetracked – but put on the backburner based on some other stuff that that came up.
And so what I think is important is definitely hold that truth, if that is what you're wanting for yourself, & what you see in your future. & I think there's probably not a right or wrong around how often you talk about that. But I think being really clear & honest with the reasonings behind it. & then anytime something uncomfortable comes up in a session that might not be about that, put that on hold & like start digging as fast as you can into that. Because I think by tackling that in the moment, you're just going to be setting yourself up for even better success once you launch whatever that is.
Marin:
Yeah, & we need to replay that one a few times for our work together. In the future, I feel.
Elyse:
Yeah, we will. I know, I'm gonna be like that. I don't know, who said that?
Marin:
I'm just gonna, like, hit play on the tape recorder & be like, remember…
Elyse:
Remember what you said it's okay to pause & dig deep on something that comes up even if it's not what you think you want to talk about. Yeah. Yeah…
Marin:
For all of us, all of us need that reminder.
Well, thank you so much for sharing those three big outcomes & huge, I mean, like life changing deep outcomes.
Elyse:
It was hard to pick! But it was like, okay, what are kind of the big themes that almost everything falls under? But yeah, it's hard, because I feel like there's a lot of tangible stuff even - I laugh a little bit about how excited I was when I was fixing things in my house, right. But I actually just read in a memoir about sobriety (even though I'm not sober) about the, the joy & the powerfulness that comes with taking care of your life. I don't know, it just I'm just like, yes, like vacuuming your steps, because I know, we've talked about that in a session. & I can't believe I have to tell you that took the time to do that, but it’s important!
But it was for what it represented. It represented being capable, & fixing, & caring, & not just waiting for either circumstances to change or someone to come in for me.
Marin:
Yes, exactly, exactly! & I love that we talked about that in a session. & it was it was so meaningful.
And it is like - One of my other coaches recently was sharing her insight of just reminding me that whatever we were working on in that moment, much like I work with you & my other clients - whatever we're working on - yes, we're working on that specific thing, but it also is translated to every area of life. & so, like you said, it's that that feeling of capability & of empowering yourself to take care of something that you desired, & doing it & following through. & that yes was represented by a handbag, but it was representative of so much more.
Elyse:
I think you're exactly especially when I think about work & career, right. & the idea of saying, ‘Okay, this isn't working for me. So how do I design my own role?’ & there's no way I could have just leapt right into that until, you know, I resolved the handbag situation!
Marin:
What about coaching exceeded your expectations? Or maybe surprised you?
Elyse:
I think, after every session, I was just so surprised about how much ground we covered. & while I would come to my session pretty much with an idea of what I wanted to work on, we always ended up so much further beyond that. & I think a lot of that has to do in part, because the thing I really wanted to work on, I couldn't even articulate until we got into our conversation.
So, you're just so good at drawing out what's really at the root of it instead of just surface level. So that helped a ton. & then the deeper we got, the faster we could dive in & keep pushing.
But I do think the most surprising thing is really how quickly your approach got in my head permanently. & I mean that in the best way & that when I'm faced with something now, I think ‘What would Marin ask?’ & the ability to anticipate where you'd encourage me to go deep & think, almost means that you're with me even when we aren't in the middle of a session.
And I think when I first started, I was like, well, this is a once every other week thing, it'll be fine. But the fact that it keeps going with me, & I'm always modifying accordingly is great, but I did not expect it.
Marin:
Yeah, to have that extra voice. & I'm curious about this extra voice because many clients have brought it up & saying, they're like, ‘Marin, you're in my head now. Like, I have your questions…’ & I'm flattered, & also humbled to know that I'm in so many people's minds.
I’m curious - is that because I because so much of coaching - at least what I feel so powerful about is, I see you, like I see Elyse’s capability. I see where you shine, & how strong you are, & how beautiful your vision is, & that's what I feel like we draw out every session - is your own wisdom & your own answers.
And so when it comes to me being in your head, is it mean your head? Because I feel like it comes back to your wisdom, right? So how is how does that? How does that look?
Elyse:
Yeah, you know, the best way I can describe it is when I say something, & then you ask the question, there's almost this immediate internal recognition of, yes, that is exactly the next question that I knew I needed to ask myself & just either wouldn't go there or couldn't go there, or was going to try & avoid going, maybe, depending on the topic.
And so I do think, what it really feels like when you're just so aligned with your coaches exactly, that it's - you're already touching on it, because I'm saying what I need to say. & you're just pushing or revealing just a little bit deeper layer that that we already know is there. But it's so nice to have somebody be a witness to that so that we're not having to dive into it alone.
Marin:
That's a great answer. That's an A+ gold star.
Elyse:
That's all I wanted.
A year! After a year, I finally got one.
Marin
Okay, so last bit here is just - & really, please talk from a place of what you really believe this is, this has to come from you. Would you recommend coaching with Yes&, with me? & if so, what type of person might be the perfect fit for coaching?
Elyse:
No. Has anybody said no, yet? That would be horrible.
Marin:
It would be very interesting. I'd be great.
Elyse:
I couldn't even keep a straight face for 30 seconds. Okay, I will answer it.
I would completely recommend coaching with Yes&. & I think it'd be a great fit for a person who is not afraid of hard work. & I mean that just in the sense of continuing to show up even when things are messy or unclear or feeling confusing or less clear than when you started.
A willingness to be vulnerable, & willingness to be honest, even if you know you wish it was a different answer you could give to a question, but you have to speak to what is at the heart of the matter. & I think someone who's really just willing to sit through the discomfort of growth for the great payback at the end.
Marin:
Yeah, yeah. I love that. It’s a reality check in. This is for the dreamers. This is for the individuals who know they want something else, who are just - some level of them is unsatisfied with where they're at currently.
And I like that level that you just added that also, you're going to need to be able to show up for some stuff & sit through the discomfort and, of course, I'm there for you between sessions. & that's really one of my favorite parts is to be in it in real time. And, that requires you to also be in it in real time & be honest, not only during the sessions, but when it comes to doing everything that that happens in the real world on the other side.
Elyse:
Yeah, exactly.
Marin:
Well, we only have two questions left here.
The first of two final ones is: if I were to pull someone over & say, ‘Hey, this is someone who's thinking about coaching,’ & then left you guys to your own private conversation, would you just share some insight? What would you say to that person?
Elyse:
Yeah, I think the best advice I can give is just to jump in fully. & to not waste time with what you think you should be saying or feeling. & instead, just share where you're really at & what you think & feel.
And if any part of you is considering coaching, I think you just owe it to yourself. Explore that for as long as that continues to feel like the right choice. And, I think the biggest thing is to know that discomfort as part of the process. But there's also energy & grace & a lot of humor in the process as well.
Marin:
Yes, especially with our sessions. I love it, I love it.
And, to just jump in & go for it. & you said specifically like not to waste time dodging the discomfort or dodging the truth of what's there. From the very first conversation I might have with a potential client, & then, as you said, all the way through coaching, I’m not here to judge & I’m not here to ever shame or bring any mean discomfort to the conversation. I’ll hold you in a space where the discomfort is happening naturally.
But I think yeah, that honesty component. I mean, you can dodge it if you want, the truth of what’s going on, & we'll get there eventually, so may as well just speak to it right away.
Elyse:
Yeah, don't slow the process down. You're also pretty good about asking – ‘Is that the real reason?’
So it's hard to kind of play make-believe for a really long time when you're the person's coach. You can really suss that out pretty quick.
Marin:
Yes. So last question of the day. You've been so good. It's been so enjoyable to reflect on how far we've come together.
So lastly, is there anything else? Anything else you want to say about your experience? Anything else that maybe the other questions just didn't quite get to that you want to share?
Elyse:
That's a hard one, because I really can't say enough about working with you as a coach, but I'm going to try.
So it has really, truly been the single most influential decision I have made for my health & self-care. & just when I thought I'd gone as far as I could was something, I learned more. & your ability to stay with me during the vulnerable moment. self-discovery was just truly unparalleled. & I felt safe. We've laughed a lot, but you've also pushed me & I'm really, really grateful for that.
And one of the biggest things is that I've honed in on my ability to distinguish that feeling of discomfort that comes from growth versus the one that comes from misalignment. & that's is just going to continue to serve me so well. & I feel content & powerful in my own life. But I think the craziest part about that, is that it isn't coming from this place of huge circumstantial changes or shifts, it's really just been regular work session after session with you, & I just couldn't be more grateful.
Marin:
You're So Amazing. You're So Amazing. & it's such an honor to be. & I know, we're like only really just getting started in many ways, yet, how beautiful the transformation has been.
And that last piece that you shared - that it wasn't these monumental circumstantial changes - is so interesting, too, because I've also heard that from many clients. From an objective eye it's like, there's huge changes. So like, one of my clients was like, ‘Yeah, I mean, nothing huge changed.’ & then I was like, ‘Wait a second, you tripled your business in the last year? Like, there have definitely been some big, some big changes here.’
And I can say the same about you too, how much has changed in the last year, but also, you're right in that it's the little things & it's just coming to the session with vulnerability, with openness, with truth about, maybe we're going to talk about a vacuum cleaner today. & that's what we're going to talk about & discuss the process of that. & that it's all right, & it's going to work out & it's going to be meaningful for the bigger picture that we're working toward.
Elyse:
Yep. & I think that was the big thing for me, because for so long, with therapy, it was like, okay, I figured out why I'm this way, like I said, but then I was like, there was a lot of magical thinking about how I was going to fix it.
It's like, well, I wouldn't feel this way if this - or if this - & it was all… again, those big changes of like, well, if I lived in this city, or if I had this job, or if I lived in this house, & so to be able to be in the same company, be in the same house, be in the same city, pretty much be the same person that I was when we started & yet feel so monumentally different & to be showing up so different is just mind blowing to me in the best way.
Marin:
Oh, yes. I love that. & I resonate with it, so much.
I do my own gratitude practice every morning. & I was looking at the list the other day, & I was like - I actually have all of these things, they look a little different than they do on my list in terms of like, on the list maybe they're just the same thing, but at a grander scale, or in a slightly different way. But it's like, I already really have all of all of this, this already exists.
And I feel like that's what you're recognizing, in hindsight, & going forward too - I am perfect & whole & everything is great. & I have all I need right now & still dreaming of the next things & desires that you have for your life while knowing that you don't need a magical house or no wishing well to make it happen.
It's just those little shifts one by one & implementing that awareness.
Thank you so much for taking time today.
Elyse:
Oh, it was so good to see your face. & like we've said, I know our journeys not done. So, in the meantime, I'm excited for these monthly emails that I'm getting from, which is great. Now, I haven't even dived into it. I'm like, No, I have to reserve it for a special evening.
So I'm looking forward to that. But then looking forward to working together closely again, because we're not done. We're just on a journey.
Marin:
Yes, yes. Beautifully said. Thank you so much. Thank you for your answers, your honest answers your vulnerability. I know I really believe that something that you said today is going to help someone else to take that jump of saying yes to something that can feel scary & can feel unfamiliar.
And I've just seen, with you absolutely, what is possible with this work & how transformative it is & how life changing it is. & I feel, reflecting on how much we've done but also like when you speak, how excited you are about what's next. All throughout my body. I feel butterflies.
I'm just giddy because I'm like, of course there is something great right now & there's something really great coming, & I'm just so I'm so honored to be part of part of the journey with you.
Elyse:
Oh, well. Thank you so much. I'm so honored to be on the journey with you as well.
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