If you are drawn to explore something different than the path you originally considered (or currently embark), part of your hesitation to shift may be the weight of expectation from individuals you care about: parents, relatives, friends, managers, & mentors - to name a few.
If someone’s expectations truly weigh on you, my best guess is you deeply care about these individuals.
It may be the case, furthermore, that you also lack confidence in your own instinct. Your internal dialogue may include: “They know more than I do.” “I do not want to let them down.” “I’m being selfish.” “What if I’m wrong?” “I owe it to them to…” “They would never understand.”
First, air out the dialogue around your contemplation:
- What do you desire?
- What do you feel obligated to, and why? (e.g., other’s expectations others).
Thereafter, and importantly, I challenge you to dig in.
- What is under these expectations?
- What else is true?
By digging under the surface dialogue, you have the opportunity to utilize these expectations to your advantage.
Get curious about yourself, what you value and desire, and what those around you value and desire. Consider how these values and desires relate, AND allow them to differ.
For example, if a parent pressures their child to pursue a specific path, it is oftentimes because they desire success for their child and have good reason to believe this path will lead to the aspired success. We can dig deeper to understand:
- How the parent defines success (e.g., financial stability),
- Why success is adamantly sought (e.g., to avoid challenges the parent experienced), &
- What fears are most powerful when the parent considers the possibility of not achieving said success (e.g., “my child will not experience a good life”).
As the child in this circumstance, we can respect the advice and even the pressure given by our parent because we understand where it is coming from.
“My parent desires financial stability for me because they experienced the hardship of losing a home and do not wish this stress upon me. My parent is demonstrating their care for me by guiding me to one path they believe will lead to a good life.”
Reframing provides a window of opportunity to deepen connection with individuals we care about rather than push them away in rebellion.
When the expectation of others feels more clear for you, pause the external understanding and turn in:
- Why are my parent’s desires so powerful for me? (e.g., because I respect and care about my parents. Because I want to make them proud.)
- What part of my parent’s goal do I also desire? (e.g., to live a good life.)
- What part of my parent’s goal do I not care about as deeply? (e.g., financial excess.)
- If there is a shared goal, does the pathway set by my parents feel best for me, or do I envision an alternative path?
As we dig in, we may realize there is more similarity in the originally dissonant feeling of obligation than previously interpreted. And. As we reflect, we will likely find some disagreement - about a value, or pathway, or potentially the desire itself.
From here, we can navigate our inquiry with an understanding of the common ground between us and our bosses or friends or parents, providing the opportunity to remain connected to the individuals we care about, while staying true to who we are as unique, independent individuals.
In my own life, this means great respect for my father when we joke about an alternative life where I am a doctor with stability and societal ‘success.’
He desires a good life for me - and to that, I feel deep compassion and love and humility. And. When I go in, myself, I know that alternative path would not actually lead to MY good life: assumed stability would likely uproot in a midlife crisis to pursue my passion, and my ‘success’ would be appreciated by strangers & society - but I would not feel successful. I believe even my father would experience these realities as true, had I adopted my perceived expectations from him.
And so, I nod my head to my father and his incredible work ethic, wise life choices, and advice. I also quit my full time job - although I assured him and myself I had ample savings and a solid plan, and I chose to pursue a career with less financial guarantee, but greater probability of the good life both he and I desire.
It is normal to feel obligated, and it can be a beautiful sign that you deeply care about the individuals from which these expectations arise.
It is possible to respect other's perspectives AND live true to who we are. It is possible to fulfill what we feel obligated to, such as financial independence or service to others, AND do it in a way that feels best for us. It is possible to understand someone else’s values and desires AND hold personal values and desires that differ.
Yes, and.
Yes, and.
Air out the expectations that weigh on your shoulders, dig under where they are coming from and why, and reflect on where you agree and disagree independently. Find common ground, respect, AND give weight to your own powerful wisdom.
Yes, and.
Yes, and.
