Video Length: 20 minutes & 38 seconds
Transcription below, edited slightly for clarity
Weekly Spark, October 20
This has come up with my clients a lot lately, so I wanted to address it for all of you in case you are also experiencing this. Do you feel like you're always on the clock? You feel that guilty feeling like you should be checking your inbox. You should be responding to messages or responding to your clients or doing more, especially if you're an entrepreneur & business owner. Or maybe you're anticipating the holidays & your family & your friends, & the commitments & the obligations & trying to plan how to make everyone happy, including (hopefully) yourself. Well, I have been there.
I have been there when you feel the obligation. When you feel like you don't have boundaries or maybe you feel like you've swung that pendulum in the far other direction & you have too many boundaries & then have lost some of the benefits of intimate connection. Today I'm going to share a three-step process. Super simple for how to set boundaries, of course, in a way that is in alignment with you & your values & that feels really good & ultimately is, believe it or not, a win-win-win for everyone involved.
In other words, three steps to truly becoming your own boss.
A lot of my clients have transitioned from having a boss to being their own boss & one of the components of that transition that often I find gets missed or forgotten, is: How do you manage your own time, your own tasks, your own deadlines? No one else really cares about them, no one else is really worried about what you're doing because you're your own business. No one else is relying on you. You are the only one relying on you, so how do we set boundaries with your time, with family & business -- especially now that a lot of us are at home & those two things are interwoven more than ever. Again, in a way that's a win-win-win for everyone.
I want to start with an example, a very short example of what is possible when we are able to set these boundaries. This is from just yesterday, I had a call with a client & this is what was the last straw to why I decided to talk about this today because like I said, it's come up a lot with my clients of how to set boundaries & specifically how to be our own boss.
Yesterday, my client shared that he felt like he was always on the clock & specifically this is after the launch of his business website went live. So, there was this thought in his mind that he has to be in front of his computer at all times, essentially, to ensure that he’s there if someone reaches out via his website (that's now live 24/7 across all time zones).
Also, that he has to respond in a timely manner to be professional. That last piece is so important. That's what I'm going to walk you through today. He knew that he wanted to be professional. & once we got to that value in that intention, we were able to walk backwards & say okay, is being on the clock at all times the only way or even the way to be professional & show up for his clients?
So, that's what we're going to do today, we're going to walk you through how to set boundaries by digging under what the intention is & what the value is that's trying to be addressed, either in setting boundaries or in not setting boundaries, it can go both ways. I'll show you what that looks like here in a moment. All right, so three steps, but there is a step zero.
The step zero is to admit that whatever you're doing currently is not working, whatever is happening right now.
For instance, my client who felt like he was always on the clock; that stress, & that pressure to always be on the clock -- the first step was to say:
This isn't working.
This isn't how I want to run my business.
This isn't how I want to show up for my friends & family.
This isn't how I want to take care of myself…
…by not having boundaries, or by having boundaries that weren't set from my place of alignment. So, for a moment, just a short moment, feel the stress, feel the pressure, feel the misalignment or the dissonance that exists there, & then go on to step one.
Step one is to get clear on what you're trying to accomplish here. Again, like I brought up with that example of my client: he was trying to be professional. That's why he felt like he was always on the clock, because professionalism was tied really closely with the sense of responding quickly & being there to respond.
Once we got to professionalism, we could unpack that & say “okay what actually is professionalism in responding to these clients? What do you want to demonstrate?” That you're a good business owner, right? That you're there for them. Are there other ways that we can demonstrate that without always being on the clock? Because that was leading to stress & burnout.
So, for yourself, dig into what are you trying to accomplish. Again, either by setting a boundary, or by not setting a boundary. Let's give another example that's setting a boundary. If you have set a boundary where you will not reply to family messages or text messages throughout your workday, right, like that's using this personal example for like nine to five or whenever you work. If you're not going to respond to family & friend messages during that time, why? Why is that the case?
You've set up that boundary, (especially if that step zero happens -- that you know it's not working for you) & then ask yourself, why? Why did you set up that boundary? So, for me, I am not responding to friends & family during my work day. Originally it was a very hard boundary when it was set up because I wanted to be able to be fully present with my business & not get distracted. I didn't want to get pulled into something else that had no relation to what I was currently doing.
Once I got to that level, & once you get to your level of why you have or have not set up a boundary that isn't working, then I could see: I don't want to get distracted. That's the main purpose, but I can still check messages in a different boundary way. For instance, I'm saying “Okay, I'm going to give myself a five minute break.”
This is what I often do now, give myself a five minute break. Check family or friend messages, look through the group chat intentionally, look through the Snapchat intentionally as a way to actually distract myself from business for a moment. To go into that junk flow mindset & de-stress, & take a step back, & then come back to my business.
I knew the why of the original boundary. I still wanted that intention to not get distracted from work, so I set a new boundary that says, I can check messages from friends & family throughout the day if I want to, within a boundary. So I'll give myself five minutes, or I'll give myself this lunch break & I'll check my friend & family messages.
Again, this first step is getting under the why.
Whether you've set a boundary, such as the messaging example that I just gave, or whether you haven't set a boundary, such as my client example feeling like they're always on the clock, get at the why that's under that.
Then we can go on to step two & think about how can you do this in a different way.
I give the example of my messaging. I can do that in a different way, I can still not get distracted in a different way, by setting a different boundary. Five minutes, lunch break, whatever it is, to check messages & still have my full focus on my business for the rest of the day.
The client example that I gave earlier, the why. That underlying reason for no boundary was professionalism, so we brainstormed a lot of different ways that he could still be professional, such as outlining his business hours really concretely & directly on his website, on Google, on all the areas where clients might be reaching out. This is actually a great sign of professionalism, because it's really clear, it shows that he is in business. It shows when he's off the clock, it gives his clients who were reaching out the expectation of when they will & will not hear from him.
Another example is my own contract with my clients. I tell them in the contract that I will respond to client messages if they have a package that includes Skype messages within 48 hours, & so I have set this from the very start, from day one that I will get back to you within 48 hours that also sets an expectation for myself. How fast do I need to, because I've set that expectation, get back to clients. That also gives the ground for my clients to have an expectation of if they haven't heard back from me to check that 48-hour window. If it goes beyond the 48-hour window, they have all the right to bring it up & say “hey, haven't heard from you in 48 hours, rarely ever happens”. That sets the expectation from both sides; so your personal expectation & your clients expectation, again, a win-win-win.
Another example that I wanted to bring in here on this step is let's say for instance, it's like digging even deeper. The client example of wanting to be professional with a business. Let's actually go one layer below that, or beyond that, maybe even more.
It's that my client wants a successful business & a successful business is tied to professionalism & maybe below that layer, wanting a successful business because he wants independence, or freedom or wants to be his own boss long term, right? Not just for one month & then have to go find another job.
So, digging even deeper under those layers, also gives you the opportunity to brainstorm those layers. If, for instance, it's not only professionalism, it's a successful business. Not only that it's a step lower, which is to have income, consistent income so we can be his own boss for a long sustainable time. Once you get to that level? Holy cow, that level, you can then brainstorm. How can I have a successful business, sustainably make money & be my own boss for a long time.
For sure, that doesn't mean sitting in front of your business or your computer, wherever your business is, every single hour of the day, every single day of the week. That, at least from what I've witnessed, is not sustainable over time. What is a way to do that? Maybe it's adaptability, maybe it's hiring a team, maybe it's already thinking about the next step of your business, if you know you're going to be in business long term.
You can see when we dig under those layers & under step one, finding the why & then step two brainstorming how that can happen. It broadens our perspective & our possibility for how to accomplish what we're trying to accomplish, with or without boundaries in the first place.
Step three, enter & experiment.
Take something from that second step of how you can accomplish the “why” that you found in your first step, how you can accomplish it & try it on for size? One thing I love to do in my time management workshop is to invite clients & participants of this workshop to try on the experiment of not checking your email for a full day. This is like a baby step even more, for an hour ,right? Let's not have email notifications on for one hour. Or maybe wait until like noon or 11AM to check emails instead of it being the first thing of the day.
Why I'm bringing this up in step three is because this brings up a lot of anxiety & nerves for a lot of individuals that I've had in my time management workshop & I imagine for you as well. If it brings up nerves, come back to that idea of being in an experiment. So choose a time, choose a day, choose a week, choose a confined space to try this on & see what happens.
What I encourage for my participants of the time management workshop & what I will encourage for you right now is to take those beliefs, & you don't necessarily have to combat them right away.
So, for instance, if you think that you will lose clients by not checking emails until noon every day because people will be unsatisfied? Give yourself a safe confined space, for instance, one day to try on that experiment of not checking emails, & just see what happens. If you lose 10 clients, revisit, see if that was truly the reason. It's correlation, not causation.
So see if that truly was the reason or something else happened. But then also you have a data point to use. In my experience, not checking emails first thing in the morning does not do any detriment to your business. In fact, it may foster business growthbecause you're focused right away in the morning. So try something for size. Take that limiting belief, take that perspective that you have adopted thus far, & just challenge it for a short period of time, gather some data, see if it's true.
Most likely what you've assumed to be true, isn't necessarily true. Another thing to bring in mind here with this experiment is to think of Jujitsu, so to go with these limiting beliefs rather than fight against it. A good example with my coach yesterday: we were exploring a certain area of my life & I felt so much resistance to what we were exploring. My coach was offering all these different ways we could interact with what we were exploring in my life, we could try on this new perspective, we could try something & I was so against it.
There was part of me that for whatever reason was very defensive in that moment, & for jujitsu, for this idea of if that's coming up with you in boundary settings. Then, for sure don't take that approach that's so resistant for you. Sometimes it's fun to lean into that & try it on for size, but if you're feeling so much resistance, it's not going to be a fun ride.
Find a place where you don't feel as much resistance, just like that idea of an experiment, & just try it on in a small way, in a way that feels approachable (probably uncomfortable because it's new), but still approachable & try that on, rather than going toward the thing that feels like it's a really powerful defense right away from yourself, from your inner self, from a fear or whatever it is that's going on inside you.
Last thing in this last step, when you're when you're going through the experiments, when you are trying on from step two all the different ways you could still get to the “why” that you found in step one is to return to that why.
If it's not feeling right, if you're feeling confused, if you're feeling lost, come back to step one. Remember your why.
What are you trying to accomplish here?
Professionalism?
Successful business?
Good relationships with family & friends?
Whatever it is, come back to that why, & then check in with “Am I fostering that right now? Am I working toward that right now or am I working against it or not as beneficial as it could be?”
I believe that is all I have. Some notes here, I want to double check before letting you guys go.
A big recap, we have step zero, which is to admit that whatever is happening right now with boundary setting is not working. Step one is to get at the why, what are you trying to accomplish here? Maybe it's better health for yourself, intimate relationships, a successful business, whatever it is, & then you brainstorm all the different ways that you could get at the why, rather than the boundary, the first detail that you were originally at.
Then three, trial & experiment. Try on one thing from step two that might work, gather some data, test those limiting beliefs to see if they're actually true in a safe space & then return to step one. Come back to that why & continue this cycle until you find a boundary that feels really good for you.
One question that came through I also wanted to address from the Q&A I put on Instagram yesterday was how to set boundaries with friends & family without the guilt. Another layer that could be added to this three step process is not only coming to your why, but coming to the mutual why.
Crucial Conversations is a book that outlines a great outline for how to go about disagreements, especially among intimate relationships in our life. One of the biggest center points of that framework is to get at the mutual, the “shared pool of meaning” I think is what the terms they use in the Crucial Conversations book.
So, the shared pool of meaning, or just think of the mutual why. What is the mutual thing that all of us right now are trying to get to? The example I gave with messaging friends & family mutually, we are trying to maintain an intimate connection, a good connection, a sustainable connection. Fun relationships over time, that's the mutual, that's the shared pool of meaning, the mutual why.
I'm trying to do that personally, but also like I mentioned earlier, my “why” for that boundary, for when to reply to friends & family messages was just a focus in my business. The shared pool of meaning is to maintain intimate connections. So, come to that shared pool of meaning, find something that both you & your friend or family are agreeing on & actually both working toward & use that to actually foster your decision & strengthen your decision.
For instance, my boundary of checking friends & family messages sometimes during my work day, but in a boundaried space, for instance, lunchtime or a five-minute break. That way I'm fully present with my friends & family during that time, as opposed to being all over the place if I would just check my messages in the middle of the day whenever it pops up on my phone.
It's working toward that pool of mutual meaning, that shared why from step one, not only my why, but the shared why as well. That's one tip that I would provide for you in this framework to help with the guilt on setting boundaries with family & friends. Not only find your why in step one, but also find the mutual why the shared why.
All right, a lot of this has to do with time management, a lot of this shows up in time management again, specifically if you're working from being someone else's employee to being your own boss. If this is something you want to work on, I have a free workshop coming up on November 5, if you can believe it November is right around the corner. November 5 It's a Thursday 11am to 2pm, the link is in my Instagram bio. It's also on Score St Paul's webpage, & this is virtual, you don't have to live in St. Paul, Minnesota, that's just where we're going through & collaborating with Score.
It is free of charge, like I mentioned, we talk a lot about not only the mindset & the framework of how to set boundaries with your time but also a good framework for how to set boundaries with tasks & with goals that you have, especially if you are a business owner.
I highly encourage you to check that out. Grab your free seat, November 5, 11am to 2pm.
Furthermore, if you like this style of this framework, step by step, bite-sized pieces, this is exactly what I do in the Yes& Experience which is my group program & November's topic is Financial Alignment. If you want a step-by-step guide, just like this, but with added accountability & support (we have weekly group coaching calls) so that you actually implement this stuff & not just learn about it, then I highly invite you!
I definitely invite you to go check out yesandbymarin.com/experience that's also in my Instagram bio, or head out to yesandbymarin.com & click the “work with me” tab. This will give you the outline of the Yes& Experience, like I said, November is all about financial alignment & upcoming for sure we will be doing more time management, we did a schedule challenge in August, but that is a very common topic, especially with this boundary setting. I feel like boundary setting specifically will be coming up pretty soon. Maybe December, maybe December.
All right, let me know if you have any questions, whether you're watching the replay whether you're joining live comment, where you are showing up here this is across multiple platforms, & again link to the free time management workshop, & also check out the Yes& Experience. If you want more step-by-step, but also the accountability & implementation of these frameworks. Have a wonderful Tuesday I will see you next week.
If you enjoyed this exercise and would like to integrate these types of concepts and practices in your life, Yes& has recently launched a group program called the Yes& Experience. Each month, we focus on one concept and you get exercises delivered directly to your email, and have the opportunity to join group coaching calls and dive even deeper, together.
Prices will rise soon as we are growing, so be sure to check it out now and take advantage of our Founder’s rates starting at just $19 per month.
Until then, you know where to find me on Instagram on YouTube. These videos will be happening every Tuesday now, so look forward to those and get on my mailing list so that you can receive replays, and also receive the PDFs that accompany each little mini workshop.
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