As you read these words, I am snowboarding down the slopes of Breckenridge, Colorado with a full heart & exuberant gratitude. This was not the case three years ago - though I was also in Breckenridge, Colorado. Because three years ago, I was not freely enjoying the snow outside, but crying in front of my computer.
This blog is the story of what changed from then, to now. As you listen, pay attention to what you resonate with more - the image from 3-years-ago, or today?
Three years ago, I was in the only Positive Psychology PhD program in the country, & I was living in a world of “shoulds.” I regularly felt guilt & overwhelming stress. I felt angry at everyone else, who was “making me” work on my thesis instead of encouraging a much-needed break. I was fighting for my own suffering, because I’d worked hard to achieve this “success:” I was earning a decent wage, I had fancy clothes & intelligent friends & a clear path ahead.
The dissonance was powerful. I knew I felt imbalanced & unhappy, but when I considered what it took to get me there & what opportunities may lay ahead if I were to persevere… I felt it might be worth it. On top of this, I thought I would be stupid or naive to leave this program - to say “no” to opportunities right in front of me. My internal dialogue called me entitled & told me to be grateful.
So, I cried. I forced myself to sit inside & work - all the while feeling angry & upset about my reality - & I cried.
What I started to realize three years ago on the slopes of Breckenridge, Colorado, & what became crystal clear as I reflected on these events with my coach in the weeks & months to follow, is that my combative internal world not only affected myself - but everyone around me. Because I was unhappy with my current work, because I continued to abide by “rules” I disagreed with, because I forced myself into a lifestyle & career trajectory that felt heavy rather than expansive - I was hindering my ability AND my family’s ability to thrive. In maintaining my own misalignment, I neglected trust, love, & my relationship with myself AND with those I loved most.
Today, I close my eyes & breathe a sigh of relief; praise everything I was courageous enough to see my truth & empowered enough to make a new choice. Because today, as you read this, I am gliding down a stunning mountainside, riding ski-lifts alongside my brother, Anastasia, Tyler, & my dad, & sipping coffee with my mom without concern for time nor a lingering haze of stress.
I could cry once more as I type this because I get it. In hindsight, I understand how powerful our belief systems & stories of obligation & fears of the unknown are. I get how scary it is to go against the status quo, to change paths - thus, questioning the one we were on. I feel how deceiving our gremlin voices can sound, tempting the “safe” path can be, & confusing to differentiate what is OUR life versus the life others’ suggest for us.
I could cry because EVEN with all of the above, it is WORTH the effort. It is WORTH the discomfort. It is WORTH the reality checks & perspective shifts, the habit change & deep breaths, the coaching investments & intuitive trust. It is WORTH it, because the process of alignment leads to wellness & LIFE. It leads to me, today, feeling ALIVE on the slopes & in the midst of family Catan & at my desk, right now, as I type this blog before leaving.
Praise everything I challenged my original path. Praise everything I said yes to my version of success, & drew a hard boundary at anything that didn’t align. Praise everything you can, too.
Please, if you resonate with my story from three years ago, schedule your free consult call with me or seek another form of support. Ask for & accept the tools, space, & empowerment necessary for you to experience your version of success. You, & everyone around you, deserves it.
